It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
