someone get that fucking seahorse.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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