I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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