I wanna bring you to show and tell
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
