It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
