I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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