I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
