every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
