it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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