you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
