The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
