After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Found the puke drawer
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
