she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
