I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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