Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
