me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Still dying that you shit outside
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
