I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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