Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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