Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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