I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
