We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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