just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
