I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
