The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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