mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
