I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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