Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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