ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
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He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
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That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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