I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
