Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
