First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
