There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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