he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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