So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
