haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
