Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
