I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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