If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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