shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
