Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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