whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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