You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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