she woke up with a sticky ear
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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