my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
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I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
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Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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