"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
