i need an iv and a liver transplant
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
