Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
