fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Randomize
