because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
