Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
