please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Do you have feelings for this penis?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
