Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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