Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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