I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
