i wish my penis had a tongue
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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