you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
